Listen To Your Kids
by Scott Wolf

This is something I’ve felt strongly about for a long time: the importance of talking and listening with your children. For some, after the tragedies of September 11th, it’s more vital than ever. Many children may have been exposed to the same horrifying images we have witnessed through television and pictures. Even when children don’t see the news or don’t have exposure directly to the events, they may sense the sadness or other emotions their parents have. Whether you choose to inform your children about terrorism or not, it is important that your children feel that they can go to you to talk and have somebody understand them, and it’s important that you comfort them.

Regardless whether a child’s fears are due to terrorism, a student in school who is teasing him or her, or a fear of a monster in the closet, these fears need to be addressed and your child needs to know that you are there to protect him or her.

Here are a few tips for a healthy conversation:

Listen: Sometimes a child just might need you to listen to them. Simply telling you something might make them feel better. While it’s very important to talk with your children, it’s just as important to listen.

Think about when you were a child: Young children especially may have concerns or fears that might seem silly or trivial, but it’s important to listen to your child’s concerns and let them know that you take it seriously. It’s important not to laugh when a child comes to you for advice so that they can entrust their feelings to you later. Try to remember what it was like when you were a child to understand why your children feel the way they do. If they’re afraid of shadows on the wall and it’s obviously a shadow from a tree, don’t laugh. Let them know that it’s just the shadow of a tree, but that you understand how that might have been scary. It’s always nice to know that a caring adult understands you.

Be truthful: I know it’s often easy to make up an answer to a child but being truthful can help them the greatest. If a child is afraid of monsters in a closet, don’t use an imaginary monster exterminator and get the monsters out of the closet. That might be a quick remedy to a fear, but it leaves the thoughts to a child that monsters in closets really do exist. It’s more beneficial to let the child know that monsters don’t exist. I remember when I was very young and I had learned about dying. I remember telling my father I was afraid he would die, and his simple answer to me was that I didn’t have to worry about that for a long time. He was truthful in his answer. He didn’t have to go into detail. It was a simple, truthful answer that I never forgot and it gave me great comfort for many years.

“I don’t know” is okay: As parents, many of us want to have all the answers, but of course we don’t. Sometimes I’ll be somewhere and I’ll hear a child ask a question that the parent can’t possibly know the answer to, yet the parent makes up an answer or tells the child “Because.” It’s okay for a parent to not know something. I was recently talking to my five year old niece and I asked her where pink lemonade comes from. She thought about it and didn’t know the answer. I told her I didn’t know the answer either (and I really didn’t at the time) and she seemed so surprised. I told her that if she finds out to let me know, and I’ll do the same!

Let your child know you or others can help him or her: I wrote a song after the September 11th events. In it, I have a child ask me, “Why are some people cruel? Why would somebody hurt someone?” My answer to the child in the song is “I don’t know”. Of course I understand about psychological and developmental issues, but it’s still hard to imagine a person intentionally hurting another person and why that can exist in our world. Our children won’t think any less of us if we tell them “I don’t know” but for serious issues such as “Why would somebody hurt someone?” you can help your child by telling them that even though you don’t have an answer, there are things we can do about it. In the case of terrorism we have people in government who are working very hard to take care of it and make sure we are safe. If the child is being bullied at school, you can let your child know that you don’t understand why somebody would do that but that you will take action to help stop it.

Men: Many women feel that their wonderful mates don’t always know the right things to do or have the same instincts in raising children as they do. For many women, it’s very frustrating. While not all men are the same, many women are upset that their husbands forget important events, ignore them when sports are on television, or never say “I love you”. It can be detrimental to children if they are treated the same way. Fathers must not forget a child’s birthday, they should say “I love you”, and that child must be more important than a football game or a night out with the guys. No matter what men are like at work or with friends, they must find their sensitive side for their children.

All of the tips about conversations in this article are for women AND men. Many men feel that they have to remain “macho”. There’s no room for machismo in conversations with children. Men often feel that they need to play “rough” with children. Usually, it’s the men that wrestle with children or “scare” them to see their reactions. Although children often enjoy these behaviors, there are numerous reasons why it’s crucial for the men in a child’s life to have conversations with the children instead of simply being there for rough play.

Let your children know that they make you feel better, too: At the conclusion of the song I wrote about above, I tell the child that I know she’ll feel better because she makes ME feel better! It can only help your child’s self-esteem to let him or her know that they are loved and that they make you feel good! An open nonjudgmental conversation can only inspire your children to continue to come to you as they grow, especially when they realize how much you love them and how special they are to you... so don’t hold back… let them know!